


My Funny Valentine

by AnotherAnon0



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death Threats, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Not Serious, Sergei is a manchild, Short & Sweet, Socially Awkward Sergei, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Valentine's Day, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28884081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherAnon0/pseuds/AnotherAnon0
Summary: Nicholai begins receiving threatening letters at his office.The individual responsible ends up having... unique motives.
Relationships: Nicholai Ginovaef | Nikolai Zinoviev/Sergei Vladimir
Comments: 9
Kudos: 9





	My Funny Valentine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sweetNsimple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/gifts), [pistolrush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistolrush/gifts).



**_I want to squeeze your neck until all signs of life slip from your eyes._ **

Nicholai's eyes scanned the words over and over and over. 

Neatly-printed cursive on delicate, textured red paper, folded inside of a red envelope. There was no name, no address, no signature -- nothing to indicate who sent it or why.

He'd found it on his desk after returning from field training, sitting on a box of cherry-filled chocolates. His favourite -- a fact that irked Nicholai greatly. Despite the alleged gift it accompanied, the note made the intention of the sender clear, and the words sent a shiver down Nicholai's spine. 

Snatching his phone from the receiver, he dialled the three-digit code to patch into Mikhail's office, deciding to report the threat out of an abundance of caution.

\--

It had been two days since the note-and-chocolate incident.

Mikhail had taken the box of confectionary to the incinerator, the two of them both fearing poison or other tampering. From that day, the older man had insisted on escorting the Sargeant to and from his office and dormitory, something which made Nicholai groan in annoyance. 

"I can handle myself!"

"I know you can handle yourself but I am not taking any chances until we figure this out, _Kolya_." Mikhail had chided, "This is serious. This is a security breach."

Nicholai accepted the rationale, though grumbled all the same.

By the second day, he was feeling quite silly -- until he opened the door to his office and saw a massive glass vase of tremendous roses sitting upon his desk.

The two immediately, instinctively drew their weapons, entering the room like soldiers on the prowl for a bounty. Mikhail tossed open the cabinet while Nicholai poked his head behind the door, the two scouring the entire office as though the perpetrator had slipped in an electrical outlet. 

Nicholai noticed a red envelope slipped in the bunch of wonderfully scented flowers, and lunged for it, ripping through the red paper to reveal yet another note. As he read it, Mikhail peered over his shoulder to take a glimpse.

**_I fantasise about your face and body being destroyed beyond all recognition._ **

"This person is sick..." Mikhail muttered, looking to Nicholai with a disgusted scowl, "Do you have any idea who this could be? Was there anyone you pisse-- who was upset with you recently?"

Nicholai snorted, "Who _isn't_ upset at me?"

\--

The next package came yet another two days later -- A large stuffed bear. 

Brown and wide-eyed, the toy was holding a heart-shaped box of candy in its chubby paws. The bear was easily as large as a child, and came with yet another red envelope, this one taped to its fluffy ear. 

Mikhail stalked up to the bear and snatched the envelope before Nicholai did, ripping the note out and gasping in a mix of horror and outrage as he read it.

_**I want to rape you to death.** _

" _Kakogo cherta_!!" The older man cursed, lip cocking in disgust, "This stops now! I am speaking to the executive board tomorrow, this has t--"

"No!" Nicholai hissed, grabbing the letter away, "I don't want..." He drawled off, mumbling to himself and scrunching the note up in a fist.

Mikhail sighed in annoyance, "You don't want Sergei to know? Why? Would he not be outraged if he saw... saw this... filth!"

Nicholai lulled his head back, huffing loudly, "He will think I'm... That I am weak! That I am afraid!"

"You have every reason to be worried about these horrible threats!" Mikhail spat, "Colonel Vladimir _will_ care that his junior is being targeted by some-- by some psychopath!"

"Please, _Misha_... I don't need this right now."

\--

Mikhail insisted he changed offices, bringing him into the Captain's complex despite his lower rank, and setting him up in a temporary space. It was closer to his dormitory, so he didn't quite mind the move. But the chattering amongst the administrators and other mercenaries was grating on his nerves.

He'd always been a private man. He didn't appreciate his business being floated about, whispered over, and judged with tepid condescension. 

Just two days after moving into his new office, he overheard a water-cooler murmur about the ordeal that had caused him to change offices. The blood in his cheeks boiled in humiliation and rage, and he resolved to return to his own office that night and wait to see if the perpetrator would attempt another delivery, as he had every two days over the past week.

Nicholai slipped into his office, shuffling into a dark corner and baring his cocked-and-loaded SIGpro with an expert steadiness, perching his arm on his knee. 

The clock _tick-tick-ticked_ the seconds into minutes, and the minutes into hours. Nicholai's arm ached, his fingers protested his tight grip on the weapon, and his butt was starting to _kill_ him, sitting on the floor. But he persisted, recalling all of the missions he'd conducted where he'd had to do the very same thing, and allowed another hour to pass. Finally, just as he was going to set his arm down for a rest, his petty patience was rewarded.

The doorknob to his office rattled, turning until the lock unlatched from the frame. The door was slowly pushed open, and through the darkness Nicholai could see an arm snake into the room and fish along the wall towards the light switch.

As the overhead light flickered to life, Nicholai braced himself. 

"Sergei?!"

\--

Sergei's unscarred eye widened, the older man clearing his throat.

"Sergei, what the fuck are you doing here?!" Nicholai sighed loudly, huffing out the excess tension he'd built up. His arm dropped to the side, thumb working to uncock his SIGpro.

"I'm sorry, comrade. I d-- why are you on the floor?" His head tilted to the side, brow furrowing in curiosity. 

"Waiting for-- _gah_! You wouldn't understand!" Nicholai stood with a grunt of pain, his thighs protesting the sudden change in position. He awkwardly plopped down into his old desk chair, stretching his legs out in front of him and tossing his pistol onto the desk. 

"Wouldn't understand what?"

Nicholai scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing loudly. In his exasperation, he barely noticed how nervous Sergei looked -- his weight shifting uncomfortably from boot to boot as he teetered in the doorframe. 

"There has been some... I think I have a- a crazy stalker or a-- an assassin!" He grumbled, "But I am handling it!" 

Sergei gaped, "An assassin! In the barracks?! Why did you not tell me?"

"I didn't want to--" Nicholai stopped short when he rolled his head to look at the Colonel, the slightest corner of a very familiar shade of red stealing his attention, "What is that?"

"Hmm!" Sergei suddenly stood up a bit straighter, "W-what?"

" _ **That**_..." Nicholai hissed, slowly dismounting from his chair, eyes locked on the colour he could just barely see peeking out from behind the older man, "What are you hiding behind your back?"

"N-nothing!"

" _ **Let me see**_!!" Nicholai howled, lunging at the older man with break-neck speed. 

Sergei gasped when Nicholai suddenly threw his shoulder towards his waist, immediately throwing off his centre of gravity and sending him tumbling to the ground. The Sargeant landed on the older man's chest with a grunt of pain. As Sergei's back made contact with the floor, they both heard an unmistakable _CRUNCH_ as whatever it was Sergei had been concealing had surely broken under their weight.

Nicholai began to poke and prod beneath Sergei's shoulders, shoving his hands under whatever part of Sergei he could, frantically trying to snatch and pull out whatever it was trapped beneath the Colonel's back. 

" _Kolya_!" Sergei grimaced, appendages awkwardly caged beneath Nicholai's body as the man continued his desperate search, " _Kolya_ , stop this!" He set a gentle hand on Nicholai's shoulder, lightly pushing him away. Far stronger than the younger man, he was able to shove him off with ease.

Nicholai huffed in frustration, scrambling to sit on his knees, now perched between Sergei's legs. He watched the older man sit up and reach behind him to collect the remnants of whatever he'd brought.

"They are all ruined now." Sergei grumbled, displaying an elaborately-packed box of chocolate. Heart-patterned red tulle was tied into a bow around it, just barely giving a red-filtered glimpse of the kind they were. 

Cherry-filled. His favourite. 

Nicholai gasped, eyes widening, "Surely, _Seryozha_..." He shook his head, "It can't be! W-why?!"

Sergei shrugged, wincing when he noticed some of the cherry syrup oozing from the box and dripping onto his hands.

"It is Valentine's Day this week..." He mumbled, wiping his hand on his coat before slipping it into his breast pocket, retrieving a red envelope. Nicholai's jaw dropped the moment he saw it.

"Y-you **_are_** responsible!" Nicholai said, voice breathy and hushed, "I can't believe it... Sergei... Why would you do this to me? Do you know how... how stressed I've been!"

"I'm sorry, comrade, I wasn't trying to... to add to your stress. I didn't know you had an assassin."

"Ser-- _Bozhe_!" Nicholai wanted to slap a hand over his forehead, but was almost too exhausted to make the effort, " _ **You**_ are the assassin."

Sergei shook his head frantically, "I am not! I do not want to kill you, comrade!"

Nicholai snatched the letter out of Sergei's hand, tearing through the envelope frantically and unfolding the note.

\--

**_Every time I see you, I have the overwhelming urge to lock you in a small cage and keep you in my basement forever._ **

"This is not wanting to kill me?!" Nicholai shook the paper like a flag of war, "You- you threatened to-- to rape me!? To strangle me!?"

Sergei set the tattered box of chocolates down beside him, folding his hand on his thigh gently, "I... I thought it was romantic."

" _ **Romantic**_?!"

Sergei's unscarred eye darted around, his cheek twitching. His fingers began to knead awkwardly at the fabric of his coat, as though he were unsure of what to do with himself. In all the years he'd known the older man, Nicholai had never seen him so out of sorts.

"I'm sorry, comrade, I- I did not mean to offend you!" He blathered suddenly, "I-is that n-not what people say on Valentine's Day?" 

"Gah!" Nicholai tossed the note down, burying the heels of his palms into his eye sockets in exasperation. He felt a headache beginning to drum through his temples like a marching band practicing its grand finale. After a few moments of silence and another deep, deep sigh, he dropped his hands and stared at Sergei. The Colonel was still fidgeting, biting his cheek stupidly, his head dropped between his shoulders. 

Nicholai had always known he was an awkward beast of a man. So accustomed to a lifetime of gunslinging and military brutishness, his everyday social skills would make a feral wolf with rabies cringe -- and that's when he _wasn't_ drinking away his problems or unleashing a bout of rage. While it worked to his advantage in some respects, commanding respect and compliance through fear, it most certainly was an obvious disadvantage in almost _everything_ else. 

Nicholai looked down at the note, discarded to the side. 

His eyes shifted over to the chocolates, crushed and oozing sickly sweet cherry syrup onto the floor.

It was an attempt. An _awful_ one. But an attempt nonetheless. It was still worth something.

" _S'dnyom svyatovo Valentina, lyubimiy._.."

Sergei's unscarred eye immediately lit-up when Nicholai spoke the Valentine greeting, his cheeks beginning to pull his lips away from his teeth as he saw the expression on Nicholai's face change from exasperation to amusement. 

Still seated in the doorframe, it was awkward and tight when Sergei scooped him up in his massive arms, pressing him tightly against his chest like a child cuddling a teddy bear.

"Now... please don't rape me to death." Nicholai squeaked, his chuckle stifled by the air being crushed out of his lungs by the oversized oaf trying to deliver a hug. 

"To death? Never."

**Author's Note:**

> WHAT.
> 
> So this absolutely pointless story was inspired by a convo I had with ShortNSweet, and one of their stories. In one of their replies to my fic The Soldier and the Prince, they were mentioning how deeply Sergei gets into the whole rape role-play that takes place in that fic, and how it is absolutely the least romantic thing in the world and such horrible role-play. And immediately I thought "yes this is our awkward boy Sergei, he doesn't know how to do romance even if he really wants to try."
> 
> And then in their HILARIOUS fic 'A Preference in Bedroom Activities,' Sergei LITERALLY once again does NOT understand the OBVIOUS cues and delicate details of romance and love and consent and everything else, and just totally misses the boat on that.
> 
> SO THIS was the result. Just our awkward big Russian baby Sergei trying his best to seduce/romance/love on the apple of his eye and just.... failing.
> 
> I wanted to touch more on an angsty element here, but it never came to fruition as this ended up just being a fun little crack piece. But while I (and SweetNSimple) have explored Nicholai's whole angsty "why he like dat" backstory, I have never really done the same thing for Sergei. I TRIED in Toxic, but that was my first fic ever and it never really panned out. And I tried AGAIN in Revenge is a Dish, but it was through Nicholai's perspective and just touched on. 
> 
> GUESS THAT IS A STORY WE REALLY NEED HUH *stares at audience*
> 
> Also, here's en edit of Nicholai reading Sergei's final note:

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Becoming (Broken) A Fighter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28893663) by [sweetNsimple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/pseuds/sweetNsimple)




End file.
